my own health

is going doon the toilet day by day. I am drinking like a fish and eating like a chippy.

I am not focusing on getting pregnant so I am wondering why I should keep spending lots of money on fertility treatment and macrobiotic food when I am broke as. I cancelled this fortnight's acupuncture, went to our little choir group and drank vodka. My cycle is not appreciating any of this but my bank account is and my mind is. Fuck it all.

I canna wait till we get a baby out of KT. I am going to squeeze it a lot.

My scottish accent in this morning's audition was excellent. If I get the role I will eat haggis out of method madness.

I did yoga this morning. First in months and months. Feels grand.
We have a plan to hang out with our new dads on the weekend. There is a bit of sperm motility business to discuss but mainly just a hang out session. I want to feel safe and comfortable with them and that is going to take a little time and a little effort. I am studying the scottish accent a little, not because of the laddie daddie but for some short play I am hoping to be in soon, but it really is helping in terms of him, too. His accent is borderline impenatrable - i love it - and it is nothing like the scottish accent I've always bunged on. His accent is so...so...
so chunky you could carve it. Sorry. i couldne leave it there, it was begging to be said. He's from Glasgow.

KT180 is getting through this current warm up cycle -it's proving to be a good one in terms of optimum fertility health and I'm sure the tiny bit of chocolate she ate during an Eight Hour Shakespeare Play on the weekend was entirely necessary and also incredibly helpful. And then after that, god help us, we will get some jizz up her.

YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.!

And then there were 4

We had a lovely breakfast with the lads and cemented our plan to have babies with them. It feels wonderful and strange. Somehow, some of the time, now that there are actual fathers- to- be involved, and two of them at that, I feel all territorial and want me and KT180 to be the only two parents. It is an unworthy thought that I don't pay much heed to, obviously. It's just there, selfishly popping up sometimes. I mean obviously it is a really idiotic thought but also emotionally it is unhelpful. It's just I'm getting used to these guys and we hardly know them. Which is freaky, you have to admit.

They are off to do all the requestite (help me to spell that someone) tests with their jizz and blood and then we'll talk more, hopefully about how much contact there is with a brand-newborn baby who is breast feeding, so no-one feels there was anything left nsaid, and then we'll intriduce them to our families.

A decision

We're going with the original and v. keen to be dads lads. I spoke to the lovely dark horse finally and he and his co-horse are intersted in parenting but not ready for at least a year. Or 18 months. You might say with a rye-bread smile that kt180 and I are ready now. We had a nice chat and wished each other well. I'm pretty much on par with this as a reality now, as in equal to it and not so much with the railing against it. Timing is someting we gotta trust. But it's taken some extra Ekhart Tolle reading to get there.

The lads (one is scottish so i think I'm allowed to call thm that) are having us over on Sunday and It feels right to rock up ready to do business, rather than stop parenting discussions with them in their tracks just coz someone we got a bit superficially excited about was on the cards. It was always going to be a bit weord and confusing, finding someone to father our children and spread the net so wide. We spoke to two other men a little before Christmas, and things might have gone it either of those directions, too, if we'd headed further down those paths, but we never. We went this way. Hard to say what's the best thing but we liked the way the lads were ever so happy about meeting us (they initiated contact from our calling all cars message in a gay-parenting newsletter and they want a family a lot). Also they are happy, positive, flexible and smart and ready to go now. Nitty gritty stuff like parenting styles and finances have been touched upon and all seems easy enough to negotiate so far. There is much compatibility.Things will be discussed further on Sunday.

So sperm is becoming available, pending the sunday confirmation, and hopefully kt180 is getting back on track after a long holiday to producing eggs. She has been strict as bro with her elimination diet and having a lot of acupuncture and magic tablets, and things are looking better. Still a bit of stuff to happen but we'll see in a week or so.

bye for now.

Show me thy chink, to blink through with mine eyne!

I think today is feeling better. Like a tiny crack in the wall in front of us has appeared. A crannied hole or chink, even. That the water is seeping through and wearing away further. In fact in a couple of places at once.

We got some loooong awaited cash this morning, thank fuck. And I am working this week and next, teaching little kiddies how to "do drama". It makes the world go round.

AND...another contender appeared-finally-on the scene of our daddy-drama. A late entry, a dark horse, a held-out for hope. So far we have only played phone-tag, which is average, but it wouldn't be that good of a drama if we spoke straight away, and said, like, hey. hey. let's make some babies. yeah, let's. 'kay, cool. cool. deal.

Also, to up the stakes (dunno who is writing this show but they are good), we have a meeting on Sunday with the other contenders, a couple of great lads who we really really like and pretty much were choosing, and now this dark horse and his boyfriend finally contact us about 6 weeks after we emailed them,, and it's going to be a photo fucking finish i think.

Thanks, courteous wall: Jove shield thee well for this!

Dear Pissonastick reader(s),

I have not read or written upon this blog in I do not know how long. It has been a very long time. The other lovely one has and I spank her for that. Gosh...what a time it has been. My crafty anaolgy for us trying to become mothers these last two years and one month is that first the rug was pulled out from under us, like 3 times, and then, more recently, the floorboards were ripped away. What will become of us and the floor metaphor (metafloor?)? Too many questions. We are kissing the dirt. (falling down the mountain).

Some options of answers-

a- we will die.

b-we will live, and we will never have a baby.

c-we will live, and we will also have a baby.

It seems a lot to ask when you put it like that, and it is.

ANYWAY- We have some PEOPLE...some MEN who might be into donating sperm and being the guy. The Father to our children. We might not know for a while and we've only got official interest from one guy, but we have put it out there to a couple others. We need to check the couple of others out so we know we're making a well thought-out decision.

It has been an odd time. And a sad time. There have been rejections. There have been very awkward phonecalls. There have been "I'll let you know"s that have turned into not being let know at all, which has left us a little miffed and a little embarressed. There have been beautiful, drunk girlfriends offer their partner's sperm. There have been beautiful, sober girlfriends offer their own, if they had any. There have been friends at dinner grabbing paper and writing names on it and promising to make phonecalls. There has been some good shit from those who get it. Or a bit get it. Some folks are great and it makes a difference.

So we'll see how some of those phonecalls turned out-hopefully in the near future and we'll keep you posted.

Taking the easy way out

It is with regret that I write to inform you that the agreement with our donor father has been terminated. Due to unforseeable trauma and the concomiting loss of confidence, he has decided not to proceed with our CoParenting Program.

Obviously, this is not a decision to which he came lightly. He was at pains to stress this, as we were to assure him of our understanding and compassion in the face of his pain. All parties are first and foremost interested in the emotional and physical health of the Family Unit, and it is clear that an unwilling participant (however well-meaning) is the last thing such a project needs.

Many apologies for the sad news, but do please rest assured that this is not the end of all hope. Thank you, as always, for your attention.

My very best,

kt180