Not quite.

This morning in a waiting room I read about and started doing pelvic floor exercises. People should write in these guides that they make you incredibly horny. No-one says that, and they do. My mother is the only one who has ever coyly inferred it. She said "When I was pregnant I did pelvic floor excersises at traffic lights just about to the point of orgasm."

Feeling happy. Feeling good, clear, creative, inspired and ready to make a baby. Even after reading about that your vagina gets torn to shreds and turns black and blue. Yep, even after that.

Today is day 14. No surge in this morning's test. This is what it is. I am ready, but my egg is not. Quite. Feels like not far off, from bodily function signals. Whatever. Honestly.

Day 12- Not at all mad.

Back to the routine of doing a wee test every day and making myself notice other bodily fuction and temperature type signs, but then immediately discarding them from my whirring brain and only looking at the wee tests lest we go mad. I go mad. Lest I go mad. I am not currently in any way mad, which I have to say is really nice. I enjoyed a lovely early morning walk today and think my breathing is fairly deep and my heart is fairly happy and I love my GF and she loves me...so if there are any little souls out there hovering hovering and they want three fabulous and fairly not mad parents, he or she (one or the other: not one of each, not a mixture of the two and not both. And not neither either.) should consider dropping in in about a week or so, anyone's guess when, really, I'm not guessing myself, lest i go mad, but anyone else is welcome to, just so long as they don't tell me about it. Lovely. Really excited, to tell you the truth. I don't mind saying I'm really excited. Oh my god. Bring it on.

emo no more

Day 6. New cycle. Clean slate. Was a long 43 days, that last cycle and i am glad to be rid of it. Have not started to horridly obsess about this next period of "trying for a baby'. But am willing and clear about it and am going to the big cheap supermarket priceline chemist this very lunchbreak to buy all the ovulation predictor kits they've got. Then I'm going to piss on many a stick for many a day and laugh and sing as I go. That's as far as I've got in the visualisations apart from having a teenager and teaching her to drive.

day 43

Today I spoke to a woman who has 60 day cycles at times and is trying a hormone which is making her ovulate exactly on day 14 so she stands a chance of getting pregnant. I spoke to another woman who -under stress- recently had three periods in 28 days. Then I saw another woman who has a miscarriage around 8 months ago and she is pregnant again and happily in her second trimester. I have not joined a Family Planning group. This was at work. Based on my wee test of 12 days ago I am due for a period in 2 days. I had a big crying tantrum today thinking the world had it in for me which based on my run ins today is clearly not true but the fit is a great sign of my imminent bleed. I am flat and dark like a road at night and I feel the urge to become an emo and write sad poems.

Really sad.

Oily Hair.

Line Drawings.

Sighing.

Really sad.

Oh so sad.

Sad sad sad.

Crying.

You're the top.

In the meantime, there are actually many other things going on with my life -incredible though it may seem. Two nights ago I lay awake almost all night dreaming about myself in a tophat. I have had a couple of occasions recently wherein I have scored the opportunity to wear one. One was ushering at a big corporate convention that was vaguely-as-all-get-out themed 19th century. Also I did some clown-esque work/exploration in my acting class and i donned the topper and some braces to get me in the mood. It did not make me any better of a juggler but it does have a great effect on me in terms of silliness. The topper that I own is not a proper topper. It is a costume one, made of hard pink foamy stuff and covered with black material. Apparently it came from Carlotta's costume box (she would think saying anything about her box was really funny) when she had a big chuck out. So, see?... lots of things going on.

Hiatus

It's nice to have some breathing time, don't you think? I mean, how many inseminations were there?

Despite remaining somewhat hormonally challenged over the last week, it has been a much better one. More time together, DD feeling lighter and more optimistic about his world, a bit of a break from most of the difficult people we've been dealing with, some lovin' without all that sperm stuff ... definitely the break we needed. We can even disagree about things without it turning into WWIII.

Bring on the weekend for more love and hijinks, I say.

Dump

Feeling rather lovely about having just dumped a year and a half's mobile phone photos onto the computer. Cleansing.

This is a cake that I saw in a cake competition last year. I am putting it here as encouragement to my next egg. How lovely and shiny it is.

in the sky

It was really nice being pregnant at Christmastime. And telling everyone good news, just like the original chrissy. It was quite miraculous, i thought, that you can have something in your body that is a human, hiding out for a while. I know it didn't stay very long, but I am starting to forget what it was like, and I don't want to forget. People wrote us christmas cards that included the baby. We told people we wanted to call it Grover and everyone hated us. I was sick and hungry simultaneously and really high maintenance. I drank mineral water instead of beer on Christmas night. We bought a juicer for Christmas and I did a lot of work with carrot and beetroot and ginger.

We sang carols.

This is one of my favorites.

surge

Day 33. Dear Blog,
today my temperature soared and the wee tests said i was in surge mode and not preggas. i surged, i ovulated on the weekend. Just a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit later than expected. We all gave up, GF, DD and me. We read it would be a runt egg by the time we got it and not reccommended for use to make a human with. Apparently fertilisation would not sustain growth for very long. GP (General Practicioner, not a code name) did not necessarily agree with this theory, but thought maybe i was too stressed out to try to make a baby anyway. That and the threat of another miscarriage - even the vague, wholistic, hippy, niche market of obsessive health freaks threat- is enough to freak us all out beyond comprehension so we've laid this cycle off. Let it go. Made it redundant.

Feeling better, happier, wanting to do nice things for self like eat fruit and put maca powder in smoothies. Wanting to increase fertility and chances of conception next cycle or so. Getting into headspsce that the world does not owe me a pregnancy, just because it took one away. I really could be forgiven for thinking it did, though. I just want to make that clear. I am being the bigger person here.

Held a lot of babies over the weekend. I'd like to thank them for possibly causing the belated ovulation.

I'd like to thank my GF for staying by me during the sobbing fits and the isolation tanks.

That'll do.

... Road

And now we're back. Welcome, reader(s). Let me tell you a story. There was once a woman who had everything: a lover who loved her, more friends than she could count, and a flawed and fabulous family. She wanted for nothing, except a child ...

We are living an archetype, just like the stepmother thing we've watched come true over at the bripps place. This is pure and elemental and largely about biology. We are out of control because we're supposed to be. We are responding to pressure (emotional and physical pressure) in entirely cliched ways. Your ovaries have shut up shop and I can't stop nagging. And on a more specifically personal level: you're drifting off and I'm trying to tie you down.

Are we going to let a cliche win?! No! Stand with me, my jammy friend. We cannot lose because we already have the Number One prize: Us. Let's get this right, so that whether or not there's a Bundle of Joy at the end of it all, there's still Us (and Donor Dad).

Remember what's important and keep it safe.