And then it happened again ...

(... and again and again -- was ever a lyric so inappropriate?)

At least this time we stayed at home and didn't have to sit in Casualty waiting for the end. At least we were in our own bed with our own towels and hot water. And you were very brave.

And now we're back. Whether or not Dr Kate can help us tomorrow, whether or not there's any information at all (oh how unlikely) we're back at the start and that, more than the idiot friends, more than the blood and the sample collection and the pain, more than the same conversation over and over, more even, perhaps, than the death of that unknown semi-person, that is the saddest thing of all.

I don't even know if you'll be coming here. You decided that blogging was not the way to narrate this part of our tale. But I kind of like it, so perhaps I'll drop in every now and again.

That's all for now

Jammy is not doing so well with the sticks and the pissing and the waiting, so we're shelving (pfft) the blog for now.

Why are we waiting?

Because WE WANT A BABY.

Oh. Yes.

Further to that: Jam wants a baby because she wants a baby. I want a baby because they're just the best things ever. Have you seen babies? They're small and perfect and watching them turn into kids and then weird teenagers and then adults is pretty much the most fun you can have. And if one more new parent tells me I should get out and see movies and go to parties while I can, I shall SHOUT SHUT UP IN HIS/HER FACE.

Seriously. I know we've discussed this, but I think it's time to go public. YES PARENTING IS HARD WORK. GOT IT. I really do understand. But I've also known for a really long time that I just can't always get my way. I honestly think that a lot of the whingeing coming out of those of our contemporaries who have babies is about the fact that they haven't quite accepted that fact yet. Seriously. We lost a baby five months ago. We've been trying to make another one ever since. Somehow, I think people would have realised that we're not the girls to whom they should be complaining about having to, you know, look after their children.

And breathe.

I don't care if I never see another film. I know you do, Jammy darling. But I have wanted a tiny child of my own since I could walk. And while there will be trouble when I have to go to work without proper sleep (and leaving you and the Bundle behind is going to be a killer) and while I can't say I'm looking forward to drying cloth nappies next winter without the aid of any electrical apparatus, surely it's worth it? I'll spend less time watching DVDs, making frou-frous and reading. Those are pretty much my only leisure pursuits anyway. (How embarrassment.) The other things we do are all in the category of Having Nice People Over To Eat And Play: that can still happen and in fact will simply provide more laps for the Dear Sweetie to sleep on. The boys won't be able to sing Big Band Songs until all hours, but no loss there, let's face it.

Oh, whatever. It's hard. Righto. But the hard thing for us is Just Getting There. I hope we don't lose sight of how awful this year has been when we finally make it. I hope that a house smelling of ammonia doesn't overwrite the memories of blood and semen and piss-tests that just won't grow a second line no matter how hard we look at them. I hope that we remember how much we want a baby when we've got one.

DAY 25

No lh surge as far as the ovu plan is concernred. Have spent around $200 and losing count on the wee tests so far. Tested negative for pregnancy yesterday - about a week too early to really tell, granted, but was throwing up endlessly from 4.30am and figured it was worth a shot. Turned out, what with having the severe runs as well (can't spell proper word for that or would of used it), that it was just a silly old bug of death that I am still getting over.

So TIME will tell, and nothing else is talking. Although my brain is gabbing on quite a lot and reading into everything to prove that I am pregnant. Even though it is too early to tell anything, Here are the clues:

1. High temps. (sure, partly there is the fever, but it's been high steadily since "conception" which I fantasise happened during Romulus, my father on the night of day 19, or pretty much the next day.)
   
2. Ache in lower abdomen. This is absolutely a sign of early pregnancy and I have had it since day 20 almost constantly.
   
3. Frequent weeing. Very. And urgent.
   
   

That's all I had. Plus the fact that I haven't ovulated yet and that I did a negative pregnancy test. I am an idiot.

Hilarity Abounds

I so totally hope the runes win.

It's very grey and dark and cascadey outside. There's a lot of sullen electricity in the air: that has to be a good thing as far as the generation of life is concerned, doesn't it?

I want you to be pregnant. I want it such a lot. THEY ABOLISHED LIMBO, YOU KNOW.

The signs are propitious but I'm keeping my hopes down.

Not the love, though. That's way up.

I runed everything

According to the runes I am pregnant. Fruit bearing, Growth, blessings, term of travail is ended, "child" within. Now i can rejoice, having been carried across the gap by the will of heaven. New energy comes that was blocked until now. The "process of birth is long and arduous."But Light peirces the clouds and the soul is illuminated from within.

In the meantime i have not had an LH surge.

Ovu-plan Vs The Ancient Viking Runes: Two predictors go in. One comes out alive.

The Interval that wouldn't end.

So, yes, that was fun. Just to keep even handed about it all , though, I perchased more ov. wee tests. Who knows what will happen? another half line today and therefore confirming no surge. So we wait more and listen to tinny versions of Girl from Ipenema and people whispering "fill! fill!" and clattering around dropping stuff backstage.

You never know.

DAY 19 of cycle

Have not had an indication of a surge from the test athough there was half a line. Half a line does not a whole line make, but we are feeling hopeful and silly and DD had a positive day today with work stuff and I have eggwhites on my eggwhites and if we don't get hung up on the half line actually indicating anything we might just have fun with this as a one-off. God knows enough babies are conceined this way. Going to inseminate in half an hour. Seriously not attached. Zenned right out, in fact.

difficult

Today, day 17, I am living a bit in a crazy mind. Just spent another 40 bucks on wee tests, just did another negative one. Just stick to the tests, ignore the eggwhites, the sharp drop and then rise in temperature, the nagging ovulatory pains in your abdomen, the fact that it is day 14, 15, 16, 17... The tests say no ov. and this is the plan-at least this month-just the facts, ma'am.

Ok no worries then. I am NOT going back into emo land, I am NOT.Fuck you all.Lovely, just lovely language.thanks for that. Shut your piehole.Who said that?Chill out.Chillax.Chill your beans.It hasn't been that long.It's really cool and I am an idiot for worrying.
God.
Hi.
Bye.
Nevermind.

Not quite.

This morning in a waiting room I read about and started doing pelvic floor exercises. People should write in these guides that they make you incredibly horny. No-one says that, and they do. My mother is the only one who has ever coyly inferred it. She said "When I was pregnant I did pelvic floor excersises at traffic lights just about to the point of orgasm."

Feeling happy. Feeling good, clear, creative, inspired and ready to make a baby. Even after reading about that your vagina gets torn to shreds and turns black and blue. Yep, even after that.

Today is day 14. No surge in this morning's test. This is what it is. I am ready, but my egg is not. Quite. Feels like not far off, from bodily function signals. Whatever. Honestly.

Day 12- Not at all mad.

Back to the routine of doing a wee test every day and making myself notice other bodily fuction and temperature type signs, but then immediately discarding them from my whirring brain and only looking at the wee tests lest we go mad. I go mad. Lest I go mad. I am not currently in any way mad, which I have to say is really nice. I enjoyed a lovely early morning walk today and think my breathing is fairly deep and my heart is fairly happy and I love my GF and she loves me...so if there are any little souls out there hovering hovering and they want three fabulous and fairly not mad parents, he or she (one or the other: not one of each, not a mixture of the two and not both. And not neither either.) should consider dropping in in about a week or so, anyone's guess when, really, I'm not guessing myself, lest i go mad, but anyone else is welcome to, just so long as they don't tell me about it. Lovely. Really excited, to tell you the truth. I don't mind saying I'm really excited. Oh my god. Bring it on.

emo no more

Day 6. New cycle. Clean slate. Was a long 43 days, that last cycle and i am glad to be rid of it. Have not started to horridly obsess about this next period of "trying for a baby'. But am willing and clear about it and am going to the big cheap supermarket priceline chemist this very lunchbreak to buy all the ovulation predictor kits they've got. Then I'm going to piss on many a stick for many a day and laugh and sing as I go. That's as far as I've got in the visualisations apart from having a teenager and teaching her to drive.

day 43

Today I spoke to a woman who has 60 day cycles at times and is trying a hormone which is making her ovulate exactly on day 14 so she stands a chance of getting pregnant. I spoke to another woman who -under stress- recently had three periods in 28 days. Then I saw another woman who has a miscarriage around 8 months ago and she is pregnant again and happily in her second trimester. I have not joined a Family Planning group. This was at work. Based on my wee test of 12 days ago I am due for a period in 2 days. I had a big crying tantrum today thinking the world had it in for me which based on my run ins today is clearly not true but the fit is a great sign of my imminent bleed. I am flat and dark like a road at night and I feel the urge to become an emo and write sad poems.

Really sad.

Oily Hair.

Line Drawings.

Sighing.

Really sad.

Oh so sad.

Sad sad sad.

Crying.

You're the top.

In the meantime, there are actually many other things going on with my life -incredible though it may seem. Two nights ago I lay awake almost all night dreaming about myself in a tophat. I have had a couple of occasions recently wherein I have scored the opportunity to wear one. One was ushering at a big corporate convention that was vaguely-as-all-get-out themed 19th century. Also I did some clown-esque work/exploration in my acting class and i donned the topper and some braces to get me in the mood. It did not make me any better of a juggler but it does have a great effect on me in terms of silliness. The topper that I own is not a proper topper. It is a costume one, made of hard pink foamy stuff and covered with black material. Apparently it came from Carlotta's costume box (she would think saying anything about her box was really funny) when she had a big chuck out. So, see?... lots of things going on.

Hiatus

It's nice to have some breathing time, don't you think? I mean, how many inseminations were there?

Despite remaining somewhat hormonally challenged over the last week, it has been a much better one. More time together, DD feeling lighter and more optimistic about his world, a bit of a break from most of the difficult people we've been dealing with, some lovin' without all that sperm stuff ... definitely the break we needed. We can even disagree about things without it turning into WWIII.

Bring on the weekend for more love and hijinks, I say.

Dump

Feeling rather lovely about having just dumped a year and a half's mobile phone photos onto the computer. Cleansing.

This is a cake that I saw in a cake competition last year. I am putting it here as encouragement to my next egg. How lovely and shiny it is.

in the sky

It was really nice being pregnant at Christmastime. And telling everyone good news, just like the original chrissy. It was quite miraculous, i thought, that you can have something in your body that is a human, hiding out for a while. I know it didn't stay very long, but I am starting to forget what it was like, and I don't want to forget. People wrote us christmas cards that included the baby. We told people we wanted to call it Grover and everyone hated us. I was sick and hungry simultaneously and really high maintenance. I drank mineral water instead of beer on Christmas night. We bought a juicer for Christmas and I did a lot of work with carrot and beetroot and ginger.

We sang carols.

This is one of my favorites.

surge

Day 33. Dear Blog,
today my temperature soared and the wee tests said i was in surge mode and not preggas. i surged, i ovulated on the weekend. Just a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bit later than expected. We all gave up, GF, DD and me. We read it would be a runt egg by the time we got it and not reccommended for use to make a human with. Apparently fertilisation would not sustain growth for very long. GP (General Practicioner, not a code name) did not necessarily agree with this theory, but thought maybe i was too stressed out to try to make a baby anyway. That and the threat of another miscarriage - even the vague, wholistic, hippy, niche market of obsessive health freaks threat- is enough to freak us all out beyond comprehension so we've laid this cycle off. Let it go. Made it redundant.

Feeling better, happier, wanting to do nice things for self like eat fruit and put maca powder in smoothies. Wanting to increase fertility and chances of conception next cycle or so. Getting into headspsce that the world does not owe me a pregnancy, just because it took one away. I really could be forgiven for thinking it did, though. I just want to make that clear. I am being the bigger person here.

Held a lot of babies over the weekend. I'd like to thank them for possibly causing the belated ovulation.

I'd like to thank my GF for staying by me during the sobbing fits and the isolation tanks.

That'll do.

... Road

And now we're back. Welcome, reader(s). Let me tell you a story. There was once a woman who had everything: a lover who loved her, more friends than she could count, and a flawed and fabulous family. She wanted for nothing, except a child ...

We are living an archetype, just like the stepmother thing we've watched come true over at the bripps place. This is pure and elemental and largely about biology. We are out of control because we're supposed to be. We are responding to pressure (emotional and physical pressure) in entirely cliched ways. Your ovaries have shut up shop and I can't stop nagging. And on a more specifically personal level: you're drifting off and I'm trying to tie you down.

Are we going to let a cliche win?! No! Stand with me, my jammy friend. We cannot lose because we already have the Number One prize: Us. Let's get this right, so that whether or not there's a Bundle of Joy at the end of it all, there's still Us (and Donor Dad).

Remember what's important and keep it safe.

Long and winding ...

I wrote a post but sent it to you as an e-mail instead.

There's a path and we're supposed to be on it but I think you took a different fork. (Tine?)

Swimming and yoga yes, but when? I now have work and housework in my life. That's it. I don't have extras, they're all yours. Now that I have nothing left, please tell me what you're giving up.

Day 25

I feel pretty much nervous all the time. There will never be a surge, it seems. Is this blog reading like the tension is mounting in an exciting way? Or has it now slipped over into hopelessness and despair? My tempertaure is slowly rising. hmm? What the feck is that about? I'm not pregnant. Hey, that would be too easy.

Breathing and relaxation are my ticket at this time. And perhaps professoinal help. A yogi. This is punishment for locking the cat out in the rain all weekend and not feeding him.

Poor guy.

Cry me a river

It is day 21, I think. Although I have perhaps got it confused with day 4,256, which is what it feels like. Donor Dad (DD) is running out of gear, sort of. He has been providing it ("collecting") every day for 12 days straight, or something. We are giving him a rest till I actually get two lines on the wee test. No surge yet from me. Haven't tested today and feel, again, that today will be it. My GF is angry at my ovary, which does not help.

I drank vodka last night because i have no care factor about this so-called preconception health and i had to sing Karaoke and Lorelei Gilmore drinks Vodka martinis in almost every episode of Gilmore Girls, which we have been watching a lot of lately. It was really really nice. Lorelei is hot. Her daughter is naff.

Cold cold weird feelings in doberman. You drove me, drove me nearly out of my head.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

I'm having a heart attack.

the mulberry bush

here we go round it. NEVER going to ovufekkenate. Who remembers that song? Sung to the tune of that ole fave This Is The Way We Wash Our Hands (Early In the Morning). Or, would you title it Early In the Morning (This is the Way We Wash Our Hands) ,to be more grown up. Which you might feel you want to do when discussing this clearly skipping, clapping song.

Going to the chem-wa now to buy a lot of weeing-on products. Cold, cold feeling in abdoberman. Which is difficult to ignore, and yet i shall-my gf is now on the phone asking me to hurry along now to the chemist. yes, you. you tell me to chill out and meditate and not be obsessed and let nature take its course and-ok, ok i'm going!

The Rain in Spain

35.9 this morning, yes? It's all very confusing but the piss-sticks have at least clarified the following: you are not pregnant; you have not ovulated. There's that.

Some egg-whites in your ginal region also. So the signs are newly propitious. Maybe positive thinking doesn't help with this any more than it does with chemo, but it certainly can't hurt.

this is ridiculous

It really is. I mean, it's been sooo many days of constantly weeing and waiting 5 minutes for the two lines -and you don't really wait 5 minutes, you can tell the result in 5 seconds and then you just stare at it for 5 minutes wishing it was different and its not even a pregnancy test by the way, I'm waiting to friggen ovulate, and it is day eighteen. I am sorry if I sound retarded or small because there are a lot of women out there who have been trying for a lot longer than me to get pregnant but I'm really over it -the waiting and the not knowing and the fact that god is running my life and giving me two week differences in cycle lengths and this is my blog-slash-outlet so bugger you.

Anyway, the good news is that I've had a vaj chock-full of semen for over a week now, so I can sleep soundly at night knowing that if the ovulation predicter kit is a rort, and i think it is, then I've covered all bases. And Donor Dad is a deadset legend. My god.

Tonight, for sure, as I have said all week, there will be a surge in my LH levels, and we will know that I am ovulating. Jesus. I am actually really excited about this and not at all horrible and grumpy. My brain just runs around the track of thinking I'm ovulating , thinking I'm pregnant, wishing I was either (not both), wondering why last cycle I ovulated on day 9, accepting the fact that i was pregnant and am no longer, quadruple-guessing twinges and blah de blah de fekken blah. B blah.

ov ov ov ?

Day 13. Temp has been 36.2 for 4 days. Last night, did a wee test for the LH surge. No surge. Odd, I thought. And thought. Did 2nd insemination for this cycle. good fun.Obsessed and then not obsessed. Like an alcoholic, cannot afford even one quiet thought about my uterus, even a quiet social thought with a friend.

lettuce pray

welcome dear reader. preconception starts now. (3 hours before insemination- way to go.) going to buy organic leafy greens now. Have not dealt effectively with teeth and skin, but have made appointments for both and think it will just have to be ok. feel need to get whole entire life in order in half an hour. god help me. Will start by working on issues with my mother when i go round there tonight. Let the good times role play.

bad little cat

begin

dear blog,
i think i will ovulate today or tomorrow. i will do a wee test soon to be sure. this could be a great outlett for the angst, this goddamn blog. anyway, my tempertaure is down and i'm starting to get a bit of gear coming out of me and it's day 11 which is pretty cool. So...insemination tonight and every day and night for a few days. See what the wee test says, too. Worth every penny. We're all on standby for 6.30pm.