Why are we waiting?

Because WE WANT A BABY.

Oh. Yes.

Further to that: Jam wants a baby because she wants a baby. I want a baby because they're just the best things ever. Have you seen babies? They're small and perfect and watching them turn into kids and then weird teenagers and then adults is pretty much the most fun you can have. And if one more new parent tells me I should get out and see movies and go to parties while I can, I shall SHOUT SHUT UP IN HIS/HER FACE.

Seriously. I know we've discussed this, but I think it's time to go public. YES PARENTING IS HARD WORK. GOT IT. I really do understand. But I've also known for a really long time that I just can't always get my way. I honestly think that a lot of the whingeing coming out of those of our contemporaries who have babies is about the fact that they haven't quite accepted that fact yet. Seriously. We lost a baby five months ago. We've been trying to make another one ever since. Somehow, I think people would have realised that we're not the girls to whom they should be complaining about having to, you know, look after their children.

And breathe.

I don't care if I never see another film. I know you do, Jammy darling. But I have wanted a tiny child of my own since I could walk. And while there will be trouble when I have to go to work without proper sleep (and leaving you and the Bundle behind is going to be a killer) and while I can't say I'm looking forward to drying cloth nappies next winter without the aid of any electrical apparatus, surely it's worth it? I'll spend less time watching DVDs, making frou-frous and reading. Those are pretty much my only leisure pursuits anyway. (How embarrassment.) The other things we do are all in the category of Having Nice People Over To Eat And Play: that can still happen and in fact will simply provide more laps for the Dear Sweetie to sleep on. The boys won't be able to sing Big Band Songs until all hours, but no loss there, let's face it.

Oh, whatever. It's hard. Righto. But the hard thing for us is Just Getting There. I hope we don't lose sight of how awful this year has been when we finally make it. I hope that a house smelling of ammonia doesn't overwrite the memories of blood and semen and piss-tests that just won't grow a second line no matter how hard we look at them. I hope that we remember how much we want a baby when we've got one.

DAY 25

No lh surge as far as the ovu plan is concernred. Have spent around $200 and losing count on the wee tests so far. Tested negative for pregnancy yesterday - about a week too early to really tell, granted, but was throwing up endlessly from 4.30am and figured it was worth a shot. Turned out, what with having the severe runs as well (can't spell proper word for that or would of used it), that it was just a silly old bug of death that I am still getting over.

So TIME will tell, and nothing else is talking. Although my brain is gabbing on quite a lot and reading into everything to prove that I am pregnant. Even though it is too early to tell anything, Here are the clues:

1. High temps. (sure, partly there is the fever, but it's been high steadily since "conception" which I fantasise happened during Romulus, my father on the night of day 19, or pretty much the next day.)
   
2. Ache in lower abdomen. This is absolutely a sign of early pregnancy and I have had it since day 20 almost constantly.
   
3. Frequent weeing. Very. And urgent.
   
   

That's all I had. Plus the fact that I haven't ovulated yet and that I did a negative pregnancy test. I am an idiot.

Hilarity Abounds

I so totally hope the runes win.

It's very grey and dark and cascadey outside. There's a lot of sullen electricity in the air: that has to be a good thing as far as the generation of life is concerned, doesn't it?

I want you to be pregnant. I want it such a lot. THEY ABOLISHED LIMBO, YOU KNOW.

The signs are propitious but I'm keeping my hopes down.

Not the love, though. That's way up.

I runed everything

According to the runes I am pregnant. Fruit bearing, Growth, blessings, term of travail is ended, "child" within. Now i can rejoice, having been carried across the gap by the will of heaven. New energy comes that was blocked until now. The "process of birth is long and arduous."But Light peirces the clouds and the soul is illuminated from within.

In the meantime i have not had an LH surge.

Ovu-plan Vs The Ancient Viking Runes: Two predictors go in. One comes out alive.

The Interval that wouldn't end.

So, yes, that was fun. Just to keep even handed about it all , though, I perchased more ov. wee tests. Who knows what will happen? another half line today and therefore confirming no surge. So we wait more and listen to tinny versions of Girl from Ipenema and people whispering "fill! fill!" and clattering around dropping stuff backstage.

You never know.

DAY 19 of cycle

Have not had an indication of a surge from the test athough there was half a line. Half a line does not a whole line make, but we are feeling hopeful and silly and DD had a positive day today with work stuff and I have eggwhites on my eggwhites and if we don't get hung up on the half line actually indicating anything we might just have fun with this as a one-off. God knows enough babies are conceined this way. Going to inseminate in half an hour. Seriously not attached. Zenned right out, in fact.

difficult

Today, day 17, I am living a bit in a crazy mind. Just spent another 40 bucks on wee tests, just did another negative one. Just stick to the tests, ignore the eggwhites, the sharp drop and then rise in temperature, the nagging ovulatory pains in your abdomen, the fact that it is day 14, 15, 16, 17... The tests say no ov. and this is the plan-at least this month-just the facts, ma'am.

Ok no worries then. I am NOT going back into emo land, I am NOT.Fuck you all.Lovely, just lovely language.thanks for that. Shut your piehole.Who said that?Chill out.Chillax.Chill your beans.It hasn't been that long.It's really cool and I am an idiot for worrying.
God.
Hi.
Bye.
Nevermind.