Peter Garret couldn't get the state and Federal Governments to come to an agreement on getting rid of plastic bags. You wouldn't read about it.

riff

Spent the weekend drunk.

Cried a lot on Saturday.

Bit pathetic.

Still a couple weeks till the appointment at the miscarriage clinic. I wonder what the hell will happen.

DD deppressed and freaking out a bit. GF depressed. Me depressed.

GF KT180 and I have done a lot of retail therapy. The art therapy was all well and good, but there's nothing quite like buying something, is there? Now we're a tad depressed about being broke.

People , as people do, keep asking me what's been happening? What am I up to? I'm up to working...who cares? We did some screen printing. Um...Jesus, nothing, nothing is happening. I keep putting it out there and putting it out there and putting it out there and getting knock back and knock back and knock back in every area of my life. What's to report?

far out

We created a 70s art retreat when we went down the coast over Easter. Easter, pagan or christian, is about new life and fertility which is a bit annoying but we had a great time anyway.
(I suppose for some it's also about sacrifice which is even more annoying.)

We have fertile imaginations it turns out. We screen printed amazing, beautiful things and swam in the ocean and drank vodka and cried and laughed. Good to be just us for almost four days straight.

Harder to be in the supposedly real world and deal with other people and the repercussions of a third unsuccessful attempt to have a baby.


I have not been able to blog because of utter despair preventing me from engaging thoroughlly with anything.

I'm kind of ok now. But I think I need a counsellor. I have recently met with a naturopath who was I think also a cousellor - it certainly felt like talking to a counsellor - and I really liked her.

I am very very sceptical about anything ever working ever but I am trying everything anyway. I will get whatever tests done that I can at the hospital recurrant miscarriage clinic (only 4 weeks to go now) and then whatever the naturaopath can do on top of that, test wise, we will do. (She is a fertility specialist and seemed to have a few ideas. They were long term ones.)

I have become open to the fact that it may turn out to be impossible/stupid for me to go ahead and try to make another baby in my body, and that I need to get off the field and see the doc while the hot bird on the bench flies into action. I reckon she'll do great.

I guess we just keep waiting for now. And try to engage with people and...stuff.

I love my girlfriend enormously, so it's good to note that our marriage hasn't been wrecked yet and I'm sorry i didn't think to give her a lift to a train station this morning even though she was a bit sick. She is such a good girl.

Not so much

Jam had a third miscarriage on Saturday. Early Sunday morning, really. There were mild cramps and spotting when we were buying fish'n'chips for Saturday lunch during our day down the coast, and then there were more cramps and some bleeding and then in the middle of the night we woke up and there was pain, a lot of pain, and not too much blood, but enough that the job was certainly done. It's easy enough to talk about and people have been very nice, and my parents are sending us back down the coast for the Easter weekend (not to the same place, I'm relieved to note). And there are worse things that happen at sea. Et cetera. But for crying out loud.

We bought some screen-printing stuff and we're taking it away with us and we're going to try art therapy. Even if it can't help us come to terms with three non-babies, perhaps it'll ease the pain of waiting SEVEN WEEKS to see a specialist. Time's a-wasting, friends. Time's a-wasting.

We both know that it's going to work out and that we will, at some point and in some way, be parents. But we want it now, and we're tired of not having it while lots of other people have it very nearby and by the way what will this mean for work and home-owning and the state of our ovaries and all the rest?? Rant over. Hope asleep.

still pregnant

Several days later and I am still pregnant, even though I got over stimulated contrary to my kinesiologist's advice and had a bit of a wig-out at a fair. I have been instructed to stay calm especially in the first trimester. I am doing very well so far and I can do very helpful things for this like eat really super well and meditate. I have books that are teaching me these things. I just had miso soup for breakfast and am cooking brown rice for later. Perhaps I will not, after all, be one of those pregnant women who treble their body weight in the first trimester. I am also being encouraged to excersise and intend to walk today-over to my mum's house for dinner tonight. My mum is completely over the moon. Donor Daddy made me a spinach pie.

Apparently fish is a good idea--she said justifying the image--but I am a vegetarian who ate a fish once when I was pregnant before and it tasted really fishy so I didn't like it.

Two lines.

I weed on a test last night and it was positive. I kind of knew it -I feel totally pregnant, and I don't feel premenstrual. Turns out they are a bit different. Oh my God. I am just gobsmacked...so are the other two. I reckon this is going to work this time. I reckon we got our selves a proper little friend in there, growing beautifully. My period is only just due today, so I really shouldn't be shouting it from the rooftops yet. So I'll just put it on the internet for now. Actually, we'll just tell peeps when we see them or think to or want to, pretty much. And they can get fucked if they don't want to know until the second trimester...

I'm really hungry. I want my Girlfriend to come home so we can get excited together for longer. I'm going to make pizza. I'm going to be one of those preggas women what treble their bodyweight in the first trimester.

I'm glad. And I'm proud of us all. I'm really looking forward to this baby and I'm not scared to get my hopes up because what is the point in all the trouble of getting pregnant if you're not going to be excited and hopeful about your baby when you finally succeed?

Dear blog,

Another cycle is nearly over-for better or worse-and I have much to tell you. But it is so similar is many ways to every other cycle that I simply have not bothered, and have rather felt you should just go back and read the old entries and ad lib to fade.

But notably, I have had Kinesiology treatment twice during this cycle for the purposes of sorting out the miscarriage problem. Apparently I have been over producing adrenaline , like , all my life and anyone who knows anything about that or early pregnancy will know that you can't really have a surge of adrenaline while early pregnant and get off scott free. Things in the kinesiology room made sense to me. It is an incredible art of reading the body based on reflexes. My neo-natal reflex commonly referred to as the Startle Reflex (its actually the "Moro" reflex), was a bit out of wack and the nice man fixed it. Apparently I am good to go in terms of conceiving and carrying a baby full term. My headaches, of which there have been many, have abated since the treatment, which is apparently an indication of the adrenaline business evening out. I'm feeling positive about the full term thing. Now, I won't freak out totally when i do get pregs. Which could be now (according to my mother it's now) or could be next cycle perhaps. A few days to go till KT180 and I can bring ourselves to do a test. Stay tuned...this is getting good.

plus, how funny is that sign? Lake Macquarie Resort that I went to do a gig at had it, plus many kookaburras, who i really dig. They laugh at all my jokes.