Darkest before the dawn?

Here we are in the half of the month when the thing we don't know is is Jam pregnant? (In the other half, the thing we don't know is is Jam ovulating?) God bless us all, very much.

Considering the extent to which we were (okay, I was) convinced that 2008 was going to bring an instant change of our fortune, I am a little embarrassed. Could it be that that conviction was nothing more than a cheap, false-type tool I was using to get us to the end of the Horribilis 2007 and over the threshold to the fat, womanly last digit of the New Year? Was I lying to myself when I opined that the pointy 7 was the cause of all our loss? AM I A BLIND OPTIMIST?? AM I??!?

Anyway, the temp has stayed up, there has been no period (I mean, sure, it's only due today, but give me a break) and that negative piss test can be explained without even raising a sweat. I've decided that there's a proto-girl in that pre-rounded tummy, and that's all there is to it. And maybe there isn't and we'll be sad all over again but whatever. I would like Hope for my friend. I don't like Eternal Gloom, and I'm putting him in the basket with the other people I plan to cull this month.

NLP

Now i think I'm not pregnant...that was clever of me wasn't it? -but possibly that I have chronic fatigue syndrome. Today is day 27 and the feelings have really only been tiredness, not much else. The odd pang in my ab, (and then in my heart). And purple grape flavoured shadows under my eyes, which my mum favours as a sign. But so silly of me to say i think i might be pregnant because that so soon slips into I bloody well am, and so I start crossing roads carefully and worrying about falling down stairs and thinking it's ok to eat 27 meals a day -and then I do a negative test and I just cannot fucking beleive it. I shouldn't have even implanted yet. Not if I ovulated on day 20. Ten days, sister. And Fourteen till your period is due.

Plus also my temp went down by one degree this morning which, if it continues to, is the end of the fun for all concerned.

Still no coffee.

flat and white

Three days ago I stopped drinking coffee. I haven't been able to write about it until now. My barista guy was really supportive. I told him why, too, cos I felt he'd understand better, and also because I am pretty much not hiding the fact that I'm trying to get pregnant again. Anyway just one more report about coffee's link to miscarriage and I was tipped over the egg. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm now on this dirt drink that I think is ok. Apparently dandy tea is not so dandy for when you're preggas so I'm opting for dirt. It's cereals and chicory and it looks and tastes exactly like dirt. Dusty dirt from the school playground in summer, not rich soil from the bottom of the worm farm. Mmmmm.

I don't know what's happening with me and it should be too early to even think about anything and I said I was going to ignore all physical sensations cos I think mistakenly I'm pregnant every time and these feelings can be very misleading and ultimately disappointing but fuck me if i'm not for shiz up the spout. (Yes, Juno. -fabulous movie.)

Should I say why? No, bugger you. I can't do a wee test for ever so forgeddaboudit.

I am baking pies. Little yummy ones with lentils and wholemeal spelt flour. My lesbianism has nothing to do with my diet.





It is day whatever...23. I reckon we're out of the red zone. Really it should be called the green zone as it is the fertile period and the period period should be called the red zone.





Lemme just check the pies.





Ohmygod they're very exciting. I made the goddamn pastry. Soon I shall be growing wheat and milling flour. I have rocket seedlings sprouting, by the way. And an eggplant for whom all I did was water without hope for a year and a half. So that's promising isn't it?




So we planted quite a few seeds over the last week and now we wait...and we do NOT (I do not) read my body. Or any tetchy little pangs or feelings or hysterical pregnancies that I might feel between now and the end of the cycle. No, nothing means anything.





The only way to get through the next nearly 2 weeks is to bake and eat and wear lots of brown.

insemsitive

Racy photo. This is us, loving each other, and it is an appropriate representation of how we two are at the moment. Happy to report big love in both our hearts. And positive thinking about baby making. Bring it.


Today is day 21. Of the cycle I am currently in. It is almost over, the "red zone" as DD says. Or said once, and then I said it more. Temp has plateaued lowly for a few days and yesterday there was eggwhitey business and the 4th insem.Seems, then that ovulation may well have occured yesterday.( temp slightly up today.) And of course there is the temptation to go jiz-crazy now that there have been signs that it happened yesterday and the fertile time may end by today...but with restraint and zennishness we stick to every second day, pencilling one in for tomorrow, and think that the stuff from yesterday is alive and well and prolly gonna make us a girl.(marathon sperm that lasts a day or so makes girls). We've been doing one every second day, which is less taxing on DD and the folk who write books say every second day is best anyways.

DD has been gorgeous lately and saying things like "i'm on call" and "whenever you need me. Whenever you think, or suspect is a good time."....this is the best possible in all worlds way to be, if you are a donor of any sort, from my perspective, in my eyes, from where I'm standing. According to me. YOu just don't need to have issues with your donor when you're doing this. It came from great respect and fucken open and honest communication all round, mind you.

I am so keen and good feeling about this. And bordering on impatient again, but not psychotic or black hearted. Keen and good feeling, like I said. I'm promising myself not to read any feelings in my abdoberman at all whatsoever. Last cycle I was heaps convinced I was pregnant and I was not so I must get on with other apsects of life. I'm in a play, and will be shortly very very busy as more work picks up come February.

xxx

encore

Happy New Year. And a big, fond farewell and fuckyou to 2007.

Perhaps there will be more of our bog.

The audient has made himself known to us...and has all but clamoured.

Time has healed all wounds...

More wounds have been created, but then time has stepped in again and healed those ones too.

Time, thou must untangle this, not I.

Tis too hard a knot for me to untie.

Yes, more Shaken Shakespeare will be quoth in the bog. Methinks. Yes, bong on to that.

Dear Readers,

Some catch up? Oh how dreadful to have to. The other writer said as much about miscarriage #2 and anyway lots of people reckon three's a crowd. No, a charm. Third time's a charm. Three strikes and I'm out, too, but let's not worry about that. And so we come in on the continuing stooooory of a hospital that's gone to the dogs. (Rolf the dog, in hospital scrubs or at a piano, best muppet ever. Rolf should be the name of our baby except too Nazi boy.)

And now, to working on that charm.

Last night I dreamt and dreamed that i was swimming and i went under water and it was too dark to see anything. Ah ha ha ha hah ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa. So funny.

Then, my baby sister-still dreaming here- was pregnant again. Haaaaha ha ha ha .

So I'm juss saying that if it turns out that I go swimming in a dark river soon and/or whatsername announces some news then I am a total side kick.

I am drinking orange juice out of a measuring jug.

I am home, and maybe ovulating -in a dark river without goggles. DD (Donor Dad for the un-inish) is coming over to do something unspeakable in the bathroom, and then, because of the nature of timetabling, my mrs will be at work for this insem and I will be left all alone with a syringe full of jiz. He has his own special cupboard shelf where we put the boiled specimen jars for him to "collect" his semen in. Oh yes, at the place that tests stuff they say "collect". "How long ago was this collected?". Then he will collect himself and leave it for me and say bye.

I have been on homo pathetic medicine for 5 months now. Its apparently going to make my menstrual cycle:

1- regular (hasn't)

2-Shorter (hasn't)

3-more ovulating in the middle, like day 14. (no)

4-obvious. like, signs. like mucus going eggwhitey to indicate fertile period .(.... whatever.)

It's also sposed to stop the cycle of miscarriage. Encourage a proper implantation wherein the thing goes into a good spot to get nutrients and last longer. like, about 30 weeks longer. Sorry I said thing. Here's hopin'.

My very oldest best friend had a tiny girl 4 weeks agao. Holding her in my arms and doing that baby jig that Kt180 taught me has made me think that pregnancy = baby. Not miscarriage. A very good re-frame, indeed.I even looked at some of our baby clothes in the storage alcove and was ok.

To the future....bongs to you all and fare thee well.

jam

And then it happened again ...

(... and again and again -- was ever a lyric so inappropriate?)

At least this time we stayed at home and didn't have to sit in Casualty waiting for the end. At least we were in our own bed with our own towels and hot water. And you were very brave.

And now we're back. Whether or not Dr Kate can help us tomorrow, whether or not there's any information at all (oh how unlikely) we're back at the start and that, more than the idiot friends, more than the blood and the sample collection and the pain, more than the same conversation over and over, more even, perhaps, than the death of that unknown semi-person, that is the saddest thing of all.

I don't even know if you'll be coming here. You decided that blogging was not the way to narrate this part of our tale. But I kind of like it, so perhaps I'll drop in every now and again.