Is a racing heart ...

... the first sign of, like, really early pregnancy? I mean, I could still be conceiving it's so early. Actually, I think the racing heart is more to do with HOW GOOD JAM WAS ONSTAGE LAST NIGHT than anything else.

But we've inseminated a couple times this week, and the ovulation signs arrived and departed (a little foggier than expected, but certainly there), and who the hell knows? It'd be really nice if it just worked out for us. This is Plan B, after all, and we don't exactly have anything else lined up.

But we have, if still no baby, a really beautiful new house. Everything's unpacked now, except my beautification area, which lacks form and style. (And I haven't been able to face the vanity cases and boxes and shopping bags full of random oddments from the bedroom and bathroom of the old house.) The thing about this house is that it feels right. It feels better. It feels like the kind of house a foetus might be prepared to stick around to live in. Also, a laden hearse passes every morning at about 7.45, so clearly there are departing souls on the look out for a new life in the area. Gosh, I hope there's one who wants us.

... nothing. Still.

My first negative piss on a stick! I feel warm on the inside, as though I have achieved something. And I do recommend the single-line piss-stick result over the period-onset as notification of unpregnantness. Seriously.

Jam also back from seeing Dr Pigman, who was of little assistance. There's nothing wrong with anyone's DNA or with any other part of Jam herself. Great! Sure, except Pigman says now that it was probably just a run of bad luck. Yes, well, we had noticed. Jam is understandably devastated about the waste of three probably perfectly good lives, and the last two years, and all her enormous love and energy. It is SIMPLY NOT FAIR. I don't understand why this has happened to her. She is the best of women and the whole thing just sucks. Dr Pigman has washed his hands of us, beyond referring us to someone private, should we decide to investigate Jam's fertility further via conventional channels. And we will, if she wants to.

My eyes are heavy. I want to be very soon pregnant.

Teetering on the edge of ...

... something. As ever, no idea what. Tomorrow I will officially piss on my first stick. We're pretty sure it will be negative, but treacherous hope rises at the slightest provocation.

Meanwhile, we pack everything we own except for the dross we're finally turfing (including the famous Tic-Tacs), for the move to Roseneath, prettiest darn house in the Southern Hemisphere. We think this move is ushering in a new age of prosperity and good fortune. And if there's some weird electro-magnetic embryo-sucking sinkhole under our present abode, we're escaping that, too. Ha ha! Take that, dashed sinkhole!

And I have no symptoms of pregnancy which cannot also be explained by PMS, so we're probably still at Square No-Baby, despite the excellent, syringe-free insemination of two Fridays ago. (Which does not mean that DD was any more directly involved than usual, thank you very much.)

So more (and I hope better) news soon, despite continuing intransigence of Stupid Miscarriage Clinic.

A Becket Play Ending

The appoinment for Friday morning at RPA was unapologetically cancelled on Thursday afternoon. There was apparently a family emergency for the Doctor and no indication was given as to how long things would take to sort out, rebook appointment, or when that appointment might be. Apparently there is no other genetic Doctor in the hospital, and no other replacement organised. Perhaps I might hear from them today or tomorrow with an update or an appointment. The genetic "counsellor" (I have no idea in the world why they use that title), upon prodding and pestering, gave me some information. As far as she could read, neither me nor DD had anything wrong in any of the results. Lupas Anticoagulant looked normal for me, which was the one they could actually do something about - the asprin antidote-, and chromosomes were all normal, as were, she thinks, the other tests. But we need to se a doctor to properly have them interpreted and also to run the rest of the tests -that they held back on running in the first round. I know these tests are a big deal to run, but they appear to be stretching things out quite amazingly. My last miscarriage was 13 weeks ago.

So we feel we have run out of time, with no further information as to why I am having miscarriages and no indication of really ever getting any, we are taking the pressure off. We have talked thoroughlly and searched our hearts and are choosing to stop trying with me and start trying with KT180. This is not out of the blue but it is a hard fekken decision to make. IT seems like the obvious thing to do but I am still a bit angry and sad that it got the better of me after nearly two years of trying. And at exactly the same time it is easy and right and smooth and exciting to let the fuck GO and try something else!

I am still taking the homeopathic medicine every morning and indend to seek further alternative therapies soon in a longer term way to investigate further and to get me in tip top condition by the time we are ready for our second baby. One focus is evening out my cycle, which may be the answer. Already, perhaps with the homeopathics, it is perhaps evening out. This cycle I ovulated on day 15 with fairly clear indications. I am thinking about three options as well as or instead of homeopathy.

1- The Jocelyn Centre, natropathy.
2-Pure Botanicals, Natropathy and a bit of acupunture if needed.
3-A woman in Rozelle who has been recommended, Chinese herbs.

Not at all sure which way to go. Any advice would be appreciated.

Plus I'll need to start earning more money soon.

Midden

Hello.
Today I am reporting that nothing is happening and we are in a mid zone and have no idea what the future holds. What a shocking way to live. Or is it? In fact normal. Yes. Starting to be.
10ish days to go till the nice Piggy doctor tells us the results of the bloods. Or doesn't. There are not very high chances that they will have found anything and around the same chances that they will be able to do anything about what they found... but a book I read this morning made me really appreciate that looking at a person's chromosomes is really hard and painstaking work. Which partly made me appreciate why we had to wait so long. Partly. I mean...thanks, guys, for looking at my chromosomes and all. Like, I really appreciate it, and get that its a tad tricky, but could you hurry the fuck up?

I could be a spastic and have only four chromosomes and not know it. I could be a man. This is going to be amazing. Maybe they will find a gay chromosome. How would they recognise it? What do I think about this? Maybe they will find a gay chromosome and remove it as a horrible homophobic science experiment and then I would be a straight man and I would get my girlfriend pregnant.

I am so so glad that thought is over.You see what happens when we are left to our own thoughts for weeks rolling into weeks with no idea why we can't have our baby that we have all these baby clothes for?

yes, piggy

I agree with the description of the piggy doctor who asked me the exact same questions they asked me on the phone seven weeks earlier and still got no clues.

Anyway...its called red tape and nobody prasies it as my mother would say.

We treated ourselves to some k.d lang in concert so life seems not only possible, but nice at times. The sky is blue today.

Four weeks to go.

Dr Pigman

We three went to the miscarriage clinic after a seven-week wait and they took some blood and ordered some tests and told us to come back in (GET THIS) five further weeks. They pooh-poohed the idea of doing extra tests now in case the basic ones don't show anything. They made nothing of the wait, of the time we've already waited. They had nothing to say. And the doctor was very fat and pink and his arms were short like pig trotters.

Doctors shouldn't be fat. It's disconcerting.